Bill
Clinton's
Guide
to
Seduction
and Lovemaking Techniques
When, in 1998, my friend Dick
asked me to write something for his web site for America's
students, I said yes. With the
Paula Jones
thing over and my impeachment on the way, I now have time to devote to important
and interesting matters. Make sure you see some of Dick's Guides other
resources that also explain my lovemaking techniques, like the
"Video
of The Grand Jury Testimony of William Jefferson Clinton: August 17,
1998",
"The
Starr Report: The Findings of Independent Counsel Kenneth W. Starr on President
Clinton and the Lewinsky Affair" and
"The
Starr Report: The Official Report of the Independent Counsel's Investigation
of the President" I am especially proud of the sexual power information
shown in
"The
Starr Report: The Independent Counsel's Complete Report to Congress on the
Investigation of President Clinton." Word about my sexual powers
is so much in demand that you might want to see this special page, concerning
the
"Daily
Scoop" on me.
I also will admit that
Godzilla
is pregnant, but I had absolutely nothing to do with her pregnancy.
And, one more thing, don't believe for a second anything you read in
The Secret Life of Bill Clinton.
Of course that kook
Starr
got my secret service buddies to rat on me about Monica you-know-who.
And, even Monica caved in. But, I will not be impeached.
I am the American
Male's only answer to rampant feminism. My treasury boys did not
stick by me and protect me. Monica did not remain true to our love.
Hell! She was on my short list of choices for the next Mrs. Clinton.
I write this, for you, the reader's of Dick's Guides. All the immunity
in the world won't get the readers of Dick's Guides to open their mouths.
And, check out
this
site to learn more about one website, started by an old female acquaintance
of mine. Like Dick, she's planning to stop Starr's persecution of me.
I am always ready to chat with America's students, even when being persecuted.
But, my friend
Dick has meant so much to me I wanted to do more on this page. It
was Dick who taught me all about
American
History and
Russia's Foreign
Policy. It was Dick who championed an entire set of
Books Describing My Character.
It was Dick who praised me as a
role model
for young American boys. It was Dick who led me to
Viagra and helped
me overcome my impotence
problem. And, of course it was Dick who let me use
this button
to meet a woman, or a man,
or find a pen pal. Of course, since I became a governor and president
I have not needed Dick's Guides' Dating service. But, you can use it!
It was also Dick who got me free subscriptions to all kinds of magazines. He
said you could get some free magazines, too, by clicking on his logo below and
swearing never to reveal my secrets to anyone. My wife would kill me if she knew
I was sharing all this with you. Dick promised me that his Web users know how
to keep their mouths shuts.
"What should I write about," I asked Dick. I always ask Dick when
I have any questions. You can, too, just by pressing this little button Dick
gave me.
"Write about what you know best," he said. So, I did. It
is with great pleasure that I write this -- and dedicate this -- to the Web
Site users of Dick's Guide -- Bill Clinton's Guide to Seduction and
Lovemaking Success.
(By the Way, Dick also offers you unlimited Web access for only $14.95 a
month.
Internet Access for only $14.95 per month)
Now, when I told my buddy, Dick, my topic, he got a little worried.
"Bill," he said, "My page is for students. It's aimed at
what they need and want. We can't do anything pornographic." I
just laughed. Apparently Dick doesn't know that all men and women of
all ages need a little pornography. But, I promised Dick I would keep
my writing clean.
I have been very successful with women. In this I have emulated many other
great politicians who have successfully lusted after, and seduced, women.
You can click here to
see Dick's Guide to Seduction and
Lovemaking Tips From America's Politicians of the 1970's, 80's and
90's
I want all you young men to know how you can achieve sexual success and
happiness. Here are my presidential secrets for getting it.
Drop Your Pants and expose your genitals.
The best way to get a woman is to surprise her with your pants pulled down.
Let's suppose you're on a plane. Go to the bathroom. Drop
your pants. Buzz for the flight attendant. When she comes, expose
yourself and say, "Why don't you come in and shut the door?" Now,
don't limit this approach to airplanes. You can use it in a hotel room.
Send one of your male workers out to get some pretty chick who works
for you. Tell him to tell her that you need her in your room. When
she comes in the door -- surprise! She'll be very aroused at your exposure
and dominance.
Don't ask! Just grab them tight and squeeze their bazookas.
Forget all this political correctness and sexual equality baloney. Women
want real men. They don't want to be asked, "May I touch your breasts?
May I hold you?" If you see a woman you like, just grab her.
Squeeze her cubongas, kiss her and then whisper, "I always wanted to
do that." It works all the time.
Read what
Court TV says about my sexual successes.
Marry a lesbian.
No single woman can ever satisfy a real man. A real man needs continued
passion and continued new conquests. But, for many careers, in politics
or law or other areas, it's often advisable to be married. Smart lesbians
-- and believe me they ARE smart -- know this, too. They have the same
need for a show marriage. So, find a smart lesbian. Marry her.
Then, she does what she does and you do what you do. If you marry
a straight woman and she discovers you're fooling around, you're headed for
trouble. A lesbian won't care if you fool around.
If
you don't know much about lesbians, check out some of my favorite books on
the topic right here
Be powerful!
Women love powerful men. Some women come all the way from little towns
just to be near big, powerful men. Even when they don't come to you,
if you have power you can send people out to bring the women to you. I find
it effective to use uniformed police officers. You don't need to be
a president like me to have power. Everyone has some power. When I
was a young college professor I had the power of determining grades for my
students. Once this gal,
Susan,
wanted an A. We negotiated. She got what she wanted. I got what
I wanted. I learned everything I needed to know about power from Dick. He
is even more powerful than I am. If you want to learn more about
power,
click here. My negotiation with Susie, leads me to another rule.
Always be nice to everyone, even men.
Once I got what I wanted from Susan, I kept her as a friend. I figure
if I do business with a skirt once there's always a chance I could do business
again. This little advice can work for you. It really worked
for me. My student Susan became
U.S. District
Judge Susan Webber Wright, the judge who got to rule in my Paula Jones
case.
Be nice to the men who know about your sexual success, too. I made
a mistake once. When I was governor of Arkansas I had a guy workin' for me
named Larry. I fired him. Next thing he was talkin' to everybody
about my Arkansas cutie, Gennifer Flowers. Man! She was a good lookin'
chick.
I
was cheatin' on Hillary with this great lookin' babe for twelve years. Of
course, I was gettin' ready to be president back in 1990, so I had to cool
it with Gen. Well, to make up for Larry's spillin' the beans, I asked Miss
Flowers to protect me, to lie to anyone if she had to. She was pretty smart
for a straight woman. She knew that everything was about protecting
my power structure, and anyone who got in the way was in trouble. So, Larry
didn't hurt me too much. At this time I had dumped Genny. But she stood
by me, because of one more rule you'll need to follow.
Be nice to them when you drop them.
When I dump a dame I like to be nice. Paula was gettin' a little long
in the tooth. I didn't want her any more. Her career as a lounge
singer wasn't payin' her bills, so I helped find her a position at an Arkansas
state agency . I got her hired by my Arkansas Appeal Tribunal, a state
agency. As I recall I got a pal to kind of, you know, take her around
to find a job. Treat them with kindness, even when they're old and gray.
Spurned women can be trouble. Big trouble. Of course, being
nice to your castaways has its own problems, which leads me to another rule.
Don't get caught actually finding jobs or giving presents to your
extra-marital partners.
I'm a nice guy. I like to buy my playmates little trinkets and dresses.
Don't do it. It can blow up in your face. Trust me. Give
them nothing that can be traced to you. It can get you in trouble. I know,
because right after I started writing this, that dumb old Starr made
a motion for a speedy Supreme Court ruling on my desire to limit testimony
in a case involving a Monica X, who I presented with a few trinkets and helped
find a job. My lawyers said I had two choices, - oppose fast-track
consideration of whether I can invoke executive privilege in the case
(getting
oral sex from young women is a sacred, executive duty of presidents),
or just give up. While I'm thinking about this, here's another rule to follow
to be sexsessful (that's a pun, boy) with women,
Look and speak as if you are sincere.
Now, don't get me wrong. You don't have to BE sincere. Just SEEM
sincere. American women can be fooled very easily. Most Americans can
be fooled easy. And, besides, even if they know you lied to them, they're
always hopin' you'll be truthful the next time. When I was running for president
and this Flower's stuff came out, I said I never slept with the slut.
I told folks it was a right wing conspiracy, a Republican dirty trick
to make me look like an adulterer. I convinced Americans everywhere.
I looked that TV in the eye like I look a woman in the eye, and I convinced
them with my sincerity.
Lie
I was asked, "what was my relationship with Gennifer Flowers." Now,
I'm a family man and I wasn't about to admit I'd been cheatin' on Hillary
for twelve years. But, I wasn't caught with my pants down. I looked
the camera right in the eye again and said, right on "60 minutes," that my
relationship with Miss Flowers, was "Very limited, but until this,
you know, friendly, but limited." Over and over I said I "categorically deny"
having an affair with Genny. I even called Genny a liar. Who were people
goin' to believe? Me, a powerful politician with the ethics of a lawyer,
or some aging lounge singer?
Ask others to lie
When I called Flowers to discuss what she would say about me, I urged her
not to say, "Yeah, I did it with him." Deny the affair, I told her.
Crush the Women Who don't stay in line.
Now I believe in bein' nice. But when some wench makes you look bad, you
got to take action. Sometimes they act like I'm wrong for grabbin'
them by the bazookas. But, I am so powerful I don't need to worry about
these things. I have well paid guys like Bruce Lindsey call them from
the White House and pressure them to keep quiet about my behavior. Bruce
has the green light to break into their apartments and steal their personal
diaries and any special photos they might have of me. I
hired Jack Palladino, a San Francisco private investigator, to go around
the country talking to people who knew Flowers, her girl friends, guy friends,
people she had known. But, I just wasted my money. I turned over every
rock and there was nothin' to expose. I was the only adulterer she messed
with -- and I wasn't about to release that to the press. Even when
you're nice to them they can bite. When I called Flowers to discuss
what she would say about me, I urged her not to say, "Yeah, I did it with
him." Deny the affair, I told her. She secretly tape-recorded some
of my conversations and messages I left on her answering machine. The
woman had no ethics. But, she couldn't hurt me. Another flight attendant
who got a little upset about my manly ways got her punishment. She
needed the job on my campaign plane and for a year I got to dominate her
with unrelenting physical and verbal abuse for about a year. That punished
the chick and gave me a great feeling of power, especially because I had
her where she couldn't escape -- 30,000 feet in the air. I was the boss and
she knew it. Wait till you see what I do to this Linda Tripp gal who
opened up the whole Lewinsky issue. I got the FBI on her right now.
And good old Janet Reno is watching my backside. (See
Dicks Guide to Janet Reno's and
Lee Radek's approval of theft and leaks about Linda Tripp's confidential
records)
Take advantage of every minute.
You won't be able to get it up forever. Use every moment you can while
you can. I once had
a little chick
who gave me great ... (I guess I should ask Dick if this is an OK phrase
to use) ... oral sex. When Hillary was away I'd have this young chick,
Monica who was 30 years younger than me, visit me in the White House.
Another time I had this flight attendant babe Cristy Zercher, about
20 years younger than me, whose breasts I grabbed in my manly hands when
Hillary was sleeping just a few feet away! I am a sly old devil. On
the ground and in the air, I make use of every moment, while I can.
Finally, and once more, my greatest rule for sexual success, Show
Your Manliness
On the plane I'd stand, unzipped, in the bathroom. I'd tell Cristy "Why don't
you come in and shut the door?" She was humiliated, and I was flushed
with masculine power." Another time I grabbed her from behind in a bear hug
and clamped one hand over her breast. Another time I pinned her against a
wall and whispered macho sexual remarks into her ear. When she wouldn't give
me oral intercourse, I barraged her with graphic sexual conversation
and innuendo -- including stuff about barnyard animals. If I had been showing
this manliness on a commercial plane, I would have been prosecuted -- and
jailed. But, I am powerful and I have my own plane.
Click on this button, if you are a good looking woman and you want me.
Send me an email message and tell me what you will do for me. Polls
show that there are tens of thousands of American women who want me, and
I may not be able to satisfy all of you. I'm now 51. Still, I'll do
my best. Be graphic about what you'll do for me. I'm not easy
to offend. No mail from men. I am not that way. If you want to,
just get my official White House
Application
Form for Good Looking Young Women Who Want to Assist The President.
Watch for more from Bill, this week in Dick's Guides
Also see
Dick's Guide to Why U.S. District Judge Susan
Webber Wright Could Never Find For Paula Jones Against Bill Clinton
Dick's Guide on How you can go from an unemployed
college student to a paid White House staffer in just 5 months
Dick's Guide to the School of Seduction and
Lovemaking
Clinton as a Role Model for America's Young
Dick's Guide to President Bill Clinton and Paul Jones
Dick's Guide to President Clinton and Kathleen Willey
Dick's Guide to the Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton Story
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