Liar Bill: Bill Clinton's Guide to Lying, Misleading and Talking Like a Politician

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Dick's Guides

Bill Clinton's Guide to Deception without lies and perjury

Also see Dick's Guide to Bill Clinton's February 1999 Denial That He Sexually Attacked A Woman in Arkansas

When my friend Dick asked me to take time -- during my hard earned vacation in August 1998 -- to write something for his web site for America's students, I said yes. I wrote one update in September, when lots of material concerning my skills of deception became public knowledge. I write this this third update, December 21, 1998, after my impeachment wars, one with the Iraq, the other with self-righteous Republican representatives. Most Americans properly see me as a winner of both wars. They see Iraq as a loser. They see me with increasing popularity, despite the crude attempts of Republicans.

On December 21, 1998, I thought it would be useful for Dick's Guides students of lying to watch some of my latest truth-screen maneuvers. Many others, besides Dick's students, now know what I told you students last August, "I have been very successful with avoiding lies and perjury." Now, I want you students of deception to analyze my post-war actions. See how well I maneuver so as to increase my popularity and end talk about losing the war to Saddam.

My truth-screen plan is to spend a few hours in the next few weeks to convince the American masses of my essential goodness, and permanently end any talk of removing me from office. One thing about Americans, you can fool most of them all the time -- especially the Democrats. I expect to have the Democrats fawning over me, and other Americans praising me for my new spiritual initiatives that will appear to show the human, repentant side of my "humiliation." I will;

attend church with my daughter (Hillary won't go with me),

ignore people who do not denounce the taint of impeachment hanging over me,

ignore people who confront me, claiming that I am an adulterer and liar.

ignore any American asking me to resign,

wave to the real Americans who support my inappropriate behavior,

offer some help as volunteers at a Washington soup kitchen,

attend a memorial service at Arlington National Cemetery for the 10th anniversary of the Pan Am 103 bombing.

gather children around me in the White House's East Room and read holiday stories to them about the night before Monica.

Then, with lots of photo opportunities I will settle in for a peaceful night (unless some oddball like Saddam decides to retaliate, but he would have to be the anti-Christ to attack on Christmas eve).

For those who wish to learn the art of lying, take note that these activities are in keeping with my commitment to community service during the holiday season. My White House spokesmen will make sure the world knows of my few hours of community service and my visits to church. Between my prayers and volunteerism is a strategy for deception. I will act is if my presidency is in the ashes. By the time the Senate opens an impeachment trial early next year, my popularity will be even higher. Christians and Muslims and Jews will love me.

Of course, to prove my presidential merit, I will talk about my issues, health care, education and Social Security. This will cement future donations from industry, teacher unions and the elderly sand generally boost public support from my December 21, 1998's, 72 percent.

I wound up one of my workers to tell the press, "The American people don't want this president to stop working for them, and believe me, he has no intention of doing that.''

While I continue to love leftist's supporters like Larry Flynt (who will dig out the dirt in Republican closets) I'll say statesmanlike things. I'll call for an end to "the politics of personal destruction.'' And, believe me, many Americans, convinced by my strategic approach, will actually believe me. As John Podesta, one of my apologists, said, "The president has an enormous ability" to lie, "to take these events (the loss of the Iraqian war, the impeachment) and deal with them," in crafty and slick ways, "and move on."

To deceive Americans about the loss of the Iraqian War, I have used the powers of my presidency. My underlings have put on shows indicating the extent of damages in Iraq, while ignoring the fact that we have ended our policy of containment of Iraq. Stupid Americans don't even seem to know what our policy was, or the new one we have developed --- Get Saddam. The degree of stupidity in America must be understood by any who wish to reach my heights of slickness and lying.

I intend to make sure the Senate accepts my terms. But, I have created a story that it is partisan politics to NOT accept my terms. Thus, by being very partisan and demanding, Americans will see me as a repentant conciliator. While I display calm leadership, I'll get my underlings, like Podesta, to -- outside the glare of publicity -- "persuade" Senators to think it's their idea to come up with an alternative to an impeachment trial.

On my joyous 52nd birthday, August 19, 1998, with a party at the Martha's Vineyard residence of my pal Vernon Jordan, I spent most of the time with my naive wife and daughter, Chelsea. Chelsea gets better looking by the day. If I were a lecher I might make a move. I was happy, on my birthday, getting calls from relatives and writing this Web page for you and Dick.

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Note: September 22, 1998. Since first writing this in August, 1998, the whole world has been told many of my secrets for successful lying. While you should read on, I'd like you to know about the following -- Make sure you see some of Dick's Guides other resources that also explain my lying techniques, like the "Video of The Grand Jury Testimony of William Jefferson Clinton: August 17, 1998", "The Starr Report: The Findings of Independent Counsel Kenneth W. Starr on President Clinton and the Lewinsky Affair" and "The Starr Report: The Official Report of the Independent Counsel's Investigation of the President" I am especially proud of the sexual power information shown in "The Starr Report: The Independent Counsel's Complete Report to Congress on the Investigation of President Clinton." Word about my powers over the truth is so much in demand that you might want to see this special page, concerning the "Daily Scoop" on me and my abilities to deceive without actually lying.

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I am always ready to chat with America's students, even when being persecuted. But, my friend Dick has meant so much to me I wanted to do more on this page. It was Dick who taught me all about American History and Russia's Foreign Policy. It was Dick who championed an entire set of Books Describing My Character. It was Dick who praised me as a role model for young American boys. It was Dick who led me to Viagra and helped me overcome my impotence problem.

My wife would kill me if she knew I was sharing all this with you. Dick promised me that his Web users know how to keep their mouths shuts. So, click and swear yourself to secrecy (and get some free magazines) and then go on. (Legal note to Ken Starr: This offer of Free magazines is not intended as a bribe to buy silence on the secrets I will reveal below!)

"What should I write about," I asked Dick. I always ask Dick when I have any questions. You can, too, just by pressing this little button Dick gave me.

"Write about what you know best, as long as it has nothing to do with seducing women. My site is for students," he said. So, I did. It is with great pleasure that I write this -- and dedicate this -- to the Web Site users of Dick's Guide -- Bill Clinton's Guide to Lying, Misleading and Talking Like a Politician

Now, when I told my buddy, Dick, my topic, he got a little worried. "Bill," he said, "My page is for students. It's aimed at what they need and want. We can't do anything supporting perjury and misleading Americans.." I just laughed. Dick has always been too much of a Goody-Two-Shoes. He doesn't know that all men and skirts of all ages need a little advice on how to avoid answering questions, without being a liar or a perjurer.

I have been very successful with avoiding lies and perjury. In this I have emulated many other great politicians who have successfully mislead the public. I want all you young men (and good looking skirts) to know how you can avoid lying and perjury but still achieve a career as a lawyer or politician. Following are my presidential secrets.

With this Monica Lewinsky thing, despite my sincere apology to America on 8/17/98, many people are still skeptical that I did not lie under oath when I talked to Paula Jones lawyers, and that I did not mislead the public when I denied have a sexual or inappropriate relationship with Monica. I want to take this space offered to me by Dick, to define specifically what many of you already know. (See Clinton Guide to Seduction and Love Making) that I am NOT a perjurer or liar. In explaining this to you, you will learn how to avoid getting caught for lying (a terrible thing), perjury (a crime that could send you to prison) and still deceive people, a skill required of any lawyer or any politician who hopes to lead the country. Remember, George Bush's promise during 1991 was, "Read my lips. No new taxes!" That bit of self serving, phony sincere speech making got him into office, but -- when Bush agreed to raise taxes -- Americans realized Bush was a two-faced liar. This helped me win the 1992 presidential race. Lying to Americans is a terrible thing if Americans learn about the lying.

And, check out this site to learn more about one website, started by an old female acquaintance of mine, Susan McDougal. Like Dick, she's planning to stop the Senate's removal of me.

Click on this button, if you are a good looking woman and you want me. Send me an email message and tell me what you will do for me. Polls show that there are tens of thousands of American women who want me, and I may not be able to satisfy all of you. I'm now 51. Still, I'll do my best. Be graphic about what you'll do for me. I'm not easy to offend. No mail from men. I am not that way. If you want to, just get my official White House Application Form for Good Looking Young Women Who Want to Assist The President.

Lesson 1: Use words to deceive, but use them appropriately

Lesson 2: Apologize and get them off your back

Watch for more from Bill, this week in Dick's Guides

Also see my great, academic thesis:

Bill Clinton's Complete Guide to Deception without Lies and Perjury

Other excellent books I have read and enjoyed:

Is Lying Sometimes the Right Thing for an Honest Person to Do? Irvin D. Yalom / Hardcover / Date Published: June 1996; Retail Price: $25.00 Dick's Guides Price: $17.50, You Save $7.50 (30%) More info on this book; Is Lying Sometimes the Right Thing for an Honest Person to Do? : How Self-Interest & the Competitive Business World Distort; Dick's Guides Moral Values & What We Should Do about It; In-Stock: Ships Immediately. Note: This is a wonderful inspirational book. Every time I need to mislead American voters, I reread certain passages that explain why lying is OK.

I'm Lying: Selected Poems ; Jack Nadel,Sally Peters (Editor) / Paperback / Date Published: March 1993 Retail Price: $7.00 Dick's Guides Price: $5.60, You Save $1.40 (20%) More info on this book, I'm Lying: Selected Poems ; In-Stock: Ships Immediately. Note: These are my favorite non pornographic poems

Lying, Cheating & Stealing : Great Writers on Getting What You Want when You Want It, Diane Johnson / Paperback / Date Published: January 1998, Retail Price: $12.95 Dick's Guides Price: $10.36, You Save $2.59 (20%) More info on this book, Lying, Cheating & Stealing; In stock

Lying: Moral Choice in Public & Private Life; Sara Nickles / Paperback / Date Published: October 1997; Retail Price: $12.95 Dick's Guides Price: $10.36, You Save $2.59 (20%) More info on this book, Lying: Moral Choice in Public & Private Life; In Stock

The Art of Lying ; Sissela Bok / Paperback / Date Published: February 1990Retail Price: $14.00 Dick's Guides Price: $11.20, You Save $2.80 (20%) More info on this book, The Art of Lying

Lying & Deception in Everyday Life ; Janice S. Lieberman / Hardcover / Date Published: February 1996; Retail Price: $35.00 Dick's Guides Price: $24.50, You Save $10.50 (30%) More info on this book, Lying & Deception in Everyday Life ; In-Stock: Ships 2-3 days.

Lying in Wait; Irvin D. Yalom / Paperback / Date Published: July 1997 Retail Price: $13.00 Dick's Guides Price: $10.40, You Save $2.60 (20%) More Information on This Book In-Stock: Ships Immediately.

Historical Truth and Lying about the Past, Robert Johnson / Paperback / Date Published: April 1995; Retail Price: $10.00 Dick's Guides Price: $8.00, You Save $2.00 (20%) <Picture: arrow> More info on this book, Historical Truth and Lying about the Past; In-Stock: Ships Immediately.

Books I find totally absurd

Sex, Intimacy, and Lying About Love ; Cari Beauchamp / Paperback / Date Published: April 1998Retail Price: $17.95 Dick's Guides Price: $14.36, You Save $3.59 (20%); More info on this book, Sex, Intimacy, and Lying About Love (5,000 men go to bed and tell the truth) In-Stock: Ships Immediately. Note: I strongly resent this book's suggestion that lying about private sexual matters is improper. I have admitted this type of lie might be inappropriate.

The Many Faces of Deceit: Omissions, Lies & Disguise in Psychotherapy , Alan B. Spitzer / Hardcover / Date Published: August 1996; Retail Price: $14.95 Dick's Guides Price: $10.46, You Save $4.49 (30%) More info on this book, The Many Faces of Deceit: Omissions, Lies & Disguise in Psychotherapy ; In-Stock: Ships Immediately. Note: I am very upset that anyone would suggest my psychotherapy sessions be truthful. What I have to tell my psychotherapist is private. I do not need to share this with her.

Lying Secrecy and Privacy , Laura Coburn / Mass Market Paperback / Date Published: July 1997Retail Price: $5.99 Dick's Guides Price: $4.79, You Save $1.20 (20%) More info on this book, Lying Secrecy and Privacy ; In-Stock: Ships Immediately.

Dealing with Lying ; Jans Bucka (Editor) / Paperback / Date Published: January 1986; Dick's Guides Price: $161.55 Dealing with Lying; In-Stock: Ships 2-3 days. Note: This nutsy book suggest people need to deal with liars in certain ways. Suggestions are insane. All right thinking Americans know that they must accept lawyers and political lies.

How to Succeed in Business without Lying, Cheating or Stealing, Jef I. Richards / Hardcover / Date Published: January 1990; Dick's Guides Price: $65.00 ; In-Stock: Ships 2-3 days. Note: This book is incomprehensible, probab;y because it suggest you can succeed without lying, cheating and stealing. These authors are lying, cheating and stealing.

Dick's Guide to Why U.S. District Judge Susan Webber Wright Could Never Find For Paula Jones Against Bill Clinton

Dick's Guide on How you can go from an unemployed college student to a paid White House staffer in just 5 months

Dick's Guide to the School of Seduction and Lovemaking

Clinton as a Role Model for America's Young

Dick's Guide to President Bill Clinton and Paul Jones

Dick's Guide to President Clinton and Kathleen Willey

Dick's Guide to the Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton Story

Dick's Guide to Seduction and Lovemaking Tips From America's Politicians of the 1970's, 80's and 90's

Bill Clinton's Guide to Love and Seduction

Dicks Guide to Janet Reno's and Lee Radek's approval of theft and leaks about Linda Tripp's confidential records

Clinton does not know the meaning of the word "reasonable": Dick's Guide to Clinton does not know the meaning of the word "reasonable"

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